I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
