im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
