The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Randomize
