sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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