It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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