he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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