So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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