She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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