Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
