How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I can't turn off my feet"
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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