We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Is this like a preordered booty call?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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