Your face is a jimmy john
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
