he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
