true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
