yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
