everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
