I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
