Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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