this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
