Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
