ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
