i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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