grandma shit on top of the toilet
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
