I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
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