This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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