dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
