if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
