Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
