all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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