I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
