I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
