I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
