dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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