ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
