I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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