Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
