My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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