i just wanna soil my oats bro
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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