never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
