You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
