I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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