Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
