I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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