community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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