dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
