Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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