dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
