instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
