I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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