Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Randomize
