i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
